Okay, my mom got my dad this great three foot terra cotta reproduction of one of those soldiers burried with a Shang dynasty emporer.
Came in a wooden crate with stenciled MADE IN CHINA on the side. Had to use a hammer to open it.
Inside it is covered with the foam in the plastic sacks. We pull it out AND IT HAS NO HEAD. Just a big hole.
So we look at the instructions. They say in poorly translated english that the head is seperate and sealing in one of the foam sacks, along with a brass heart. We pull apart the sacks, powdered foam flying everywhere. The head and heart are in their own little sacks so the foam doesn’t goop em up.
The head has a little stem of a neck to keep it upright in the hole, just like the diagram showed. The heart was just a shapeless lump of brass, though it seemed awfuly warm.
My dad stuck the heart in the hole, then placed the head on top slowly. As it lowered into place the whole statue started to glow, causing my dad to drop the head the rest of the way, jumping back. Suddenly the terra cotta eyes open and the minuature statue steps off its platform.
As we stand there and gape, he grabs a ski pole that was to be for my brother and runs my grandmother through with it. In the confusion that followed both my parents were hurt as well, but finally we managed to get the head off the damned thing again.
We’ve packed it up again, but in doing so I found a small leatherbound book in the bottom of the crate. On the way to the emergency room I had time to flip through it. It explains the proper care for a Zhou Golem, as it calls the statue. I didn’t tell anyone, they were too busy bleeding anyway. After the ordeal no one wants to deal with it, so I’m supposed to take it into the UPS center near here and send it back. And as far as they know, I will. Tonight I’ll pull the Golem out again and see if the book is right. I’m not quite sure on the pronounciation of the command words, but I think I can muddle through.