February 2001


I’m confident we’ll show up on the security tape

I had a dream where I was one of four guys who were going to rob a bank. The dream featured cut scenes.

It started out with me and these other guys running the gauntlet into the high security section of a bank. We had to move through turn-styles, jump over some kind of chest-high glass partitions and sneak around corners. When we got to the vault, it was protected by some kind of ATM-esque terminal with a hand scanner. One of the guys with us knew how to crack it, and had brought along some kind of holographic paper printouts of a security guard’s hands. You had to leave a thumbprint and it had to scan your hand three times. He fed the holographic things into it, and as I’m watching, it crossed my mind that none of us were wearing gloves, or masks — you should at least wear a dead presidents mask if you are going to rob a bank. I pointed out that he was going to leave finger prints all over the machine, and he just used his hand to wipe them away, and gave me a dirty look. Then the vault opens, and they start taking out wads of cash and diamonds and stuff, and handing them to me, which I stuff into my coat and pockets, whereever I have room. I ask them why I’m carrying all this stuff, and they say because I’m the runner, and tell me to take off. So I run the gauntlet backward, dodging gun firing security guards (who are about as good a shot as the Barneys in Half-Life), and make it out of the building. No alarms are going off, so I duck into an office building a few doors down. There are a large number of elevator doors, and I hit one of the buttons. While I’m waiting for the elevator, I’m thinking that I should change my clothes, because I’m wearing a pretty distinctive shirt and my Tux cap, which is going to stand out on the security cameras. Then the elevator comes, but for some reason, it’s half-height and I have to duck down to ride it, and once inside, I find that each elevator only goes to one floor, which explains why there were so many of them. So I ride the elevator until it stops, and I get out into some kind of reading room. There are magazines and books all over the place, and people are sitting in big chairs like the kind you see at Starbucks reading. I sneak over into a part of the room I think is mostly hidden. Like on a cartoon, I pull another shirt out from inside my coat and start to change, but I think that is going to draw too much attention, maybe I should find a bathroom to change in. So after snooping around looking for a bathroom, I’m told there is one a few floors down, but to get there, you have to ride to the lobby and get in a different elevator that only goes to that floor. Thinking that will draw too much attention and that I’ll be seen by too many people who could later identify me on the security tapes, I sit back down and try to work myself out of my shirt inconspicuously, but even this proves futile and people start looking up from their reading. At certain points, there were cut scenes to the head security guard at the bank standing in a river up to his neck against a tree. He was saying “Why did they pick that time of the month to rob the bank?”. Another cut scene had a bunch of security guards and technicians at the bank vault door, and they noticed that the break-ins always occured during strange times, like on leap days and during non-standard holidays.

… and I laughed my ass off

I had this dream that I think might have been an old Monty Python sketch, but I’m not sure.

It features one of the guys from Monty Python (not Idle or Cleese) sitting in a big Victorian arm chair talking about how everyone loves a dirty joke, but it’s difficult to tell them in mixed company. But the British have refined their humor such that they can tell a dirty joke hidden in an otherwise benign punch line. The example he gave included the words “push my nipples”, and he proceeded to say tell a clean joke, but in the dream, I couldn’t quite hear it. When he got to the punch line, he said it in this really thick highfalutin english accent (more so than the Monty Python crew normally has), to show how the dirty part was hidden. I woke up and laughed the hardest I had in six months for about twenty minutes. I wish I could remember the joke, and why “push my nipples” was funny, but that wasn’t the point of the sketch.